Chaos

As i’ve mentioned before, i’m a rather linear person. I like things to be orderly, or at the very least, sensible. I prefer to be on time, though life sometimes dictates otherwise. I like for people to be where they’re supposed to be, doing what they’re supposed to be doing when they’re supposed to be doing it. If there’s a schedule, i like for it to be adhered to. I don’t think that’s asking a lot. Is it? Order? Simplicity? Linearity? (incidentally, i thought i was making up the word linearity, but it is a real word that means exactly what i wanted it to mean! Ha! I love linguistics!)

While for most of this year, my personal life has been in flux (aka chaotic), it’s actually rather static right now. I’m not saying it’s peaches and cream or the cat’s pajamas, but it’s smooth right now. My work environment, however, has been, for lack of a better word, a clusterfuck. I’m not going to get into why or what or how, but let’s just say i’m tapped out. Chaos reigns supreme in this building and i am trying my best to minimize hair loss.

I am frustrated. Tired. Overwhelmed. At a breaking point. But I can’t give up because I don’t have the option to walk away. I want to throw myself 300% into hustling cake, and building up this business so i have the option to walk away, but therein lies the rub. I’d be walking a tightrope blindfolded without a net and unfortunately, ambition doesn’t pay the rent. (Passion pays the rent, but only in certain circles. And i’m not that desperate.) So i keep showing up here, Monday through Friday, with a chipper voice and hope for change.

But what do you do when you can’t control the situations around you? You change how you react to them. This week, i’ve sat/run around here cranky as hell and fussing at everything. Today, i laughed. It took a couple hours to get into the swing of it, but by lunch time, i’d had a couple of hearty, out loud laughs. Not that anything was actually comedic, quite tragic truthfully, but i laughed because it was better than cussing. It was a “why the hell not?” kinda laugh that made people look at me funny, but they understood. “Donya’s had it. She’s gone off the deep end. Y’all watch out, cuz idk what to do with this laughter…” But you know what? It helped. I don’t feel as fully cocked and loaded as i did this morning.

You’d think i’d know this trick by now. My life is a non-stop rollercoaster, so laughing as a coping mechanism should be automatic. You remember this one, right? How did i forget? Not everyone has the same coping style, so laughing like Caligula may not work for you. This is where Self-Discovery steps in. Think on the things that make you happy. Think on the activities that fill your serotonin tank to overflow. What makes you smile? What settles your spirit? Use that. I love to smile. I love to laugh. I have a weird, dry wit that some people don’t understand. Not like cynical or morose, but cerebral. The 3 Stooges do nothing for me, but a literal pun will have me in stitches. Sarcasm is my first language, English my second, vulgarity my third. And i’m totally cool with that because that’s who i am . So i’ll lean on that smile, laugh and sense of humor to get me through.

Not So Side Note: I started this post well over a month ago, but never posted. Nothing has changed. In some respects, it’s gotten worse. Yet, I still laugh. I smile most of the day, especially when people ask me how i’m doing or how it’s going. I smile. I love to smile and i’ve heard i’m pretty good at it, so i rely on it. There’s a ripe stench of sarcasm and/or cynicism behind it, but there is a smile. In reading over this post again, i’m going to personally work on scrubbing some of that away and facing each obstacle with optimism and a growth outlook. (if you smelled something right then, that was residual sarcasm there… ‘scuse me… this will be a real challenge.)

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